Category: the Rant Board
Well I wasn't gonna post this to the zone, but I thought I might, on the off chance that someone has experienced the same thing.
Several years ago, my dad was pulled over for driving under the influence. I should also mention that my dad is pretty much a dependent alcoholic.
When the dust settled, he had a 2 year suspention from driving, but after those 2 years were up, he got his licence back.
About a year or so later, he took an alcoholic seizure while at work, basically for having too much blood in his alcohol system. He wasn't eating right either, hence the seizure.
So the dmv pulled his licence because they thought he was a risk to other people on the road. In order to get it back, he would have to get a letter from his doctor, saying that not only had he had a full physicl, but that he had no alcohol in his system for a specific period of time.
Well he never got his licence back because well, the truth is, he just couldn't stay sober long enough. He still has his truck though, and still drives occasionally, to the store to get groceries, or to run other errands.
Last Sunday, he was out running errands, and his truck broke down in the middle of an intersection. As he was trying to move it out of the way, what should happen to come by but a cop car.
The cop stopped to ask my dad if he was alright, and if there was anything they could do to help. But as a matter of routine, they asked him if he had any i d on him, which he did, but obviously not his drivers licence. They ran his name through the computer since he couldn't produce it, and found out that he was driving on a revoked licence, and told him they were arresting him for it. At which time, I guess from what he told me, he got upset and tried to assault the cop. Soi now is he not only being charged with a revoked licence, but also resisting arrest, and possibly assault on a police officer.
I've always tried to be there for my dad. He's dead to my brother, and my parents are divorced, so obviously my mom has nothing to do with him either. I've always tried to stick by him though, because no matter what kind of problems he has, I strongly believe that everybody needs someone.
But my pacience is starting to run thin. I don't know if I can continue to keep supporting someone who obviously didn't learn his lesson when he got busted for DUI the first time. I will always love him because he's my father. But he's 61 years old, and should fucking know better! And if I turn my back on him, he'll have noone.
So I'm really just at a loss of what to do.
I'm just glad that he was sober on sunday when this happened, and that he never hurt anyone because of his stupidity. If he had, then I would say he deserves all he gets. I still to a certain degree believe that. He did the crime he should do the time. I just don't know if I can keep on standing by him when he should have learned the first time.
The question is, if I withdraw my support and just let him lay in his own bed that he made, am I a bad person for wanting to do that?
I can relate to your situation somewhat Cam. I won't go into details, but I feel the same way with my mom and her adictions. She was really bad at one point, had help, and went back again. Now, she's living with us and still, after all the help she's been given, isn't flying on the straight and narrow. Plus all the stuff in the past I won't bother with.
And you think, they're my parent, I should stand by them, and if I don't, they'll have no one, what will they do? But they've done so much, should have learned the first/second time round, need to learn a lesson, they're adults.
I don't have an answer really, it's just whichever way you choose to go with it.
Me, I don't want to stand by my mom, not after all she's done, but when we speak, I can't help but slide into warm conversation.
You just have to think about the situation I suppose, sort out your own feelings and do what feels right. That's so cliche', and probably no help at all, but it's the best I can offer.
No one can tell you either way, it's your own choice, your own feelings and decisions.
Every time I hear a story on the news about someone being killed by a drunk driver and it turns out that drunk driver has been arrested several times and had their license taken away I get so angry I want to scream. I think it's nice that you want to stand by your dad, Cam, but there's probably not much you can do for him. I just hope he never ends up killing himself or someone else while driving under the influence. If at some point you stop standing by him, I don't think anyone would blame you.
Cam, you're in a difficult position. You don't want to feel like your abandonning your father, but on the other hand, you could have a full time job worrying about him and trying to take care of him at the other extreme. I know this sounds selfish, but you have to weigh how much his behavior impacts your life and factor that into your decision somehow. Problem with adictive behavior is it can be so manipulative, and this makes it so hard for the family of the adict. Good luck with your decision, and know that there are lots of us sending energy and positive vibes your way.
Lou
thanks cala, becky, and lou. I appreciate your feedback. I still haven't decided what to do, but I know if he killed someone through his stupidity, I wouldn't stand by him. But, I'd still probably think, there must be something I could have should have done, even though there's no way I could have done anything most likely.
I just think that everybody needs somebody, regardless of their stupidity, and maybe I'm too much of a softy for thinking that way. I'm not gonna restate anymore points, but I've got a baby on the way, and I really could do with not worrying about his stupidity. I think if I do break off contact with him, it's because I'll wanna focus all my time and effort and attention on my child, and all the bs involved with visitation. at least that could prove more fruitful in the end. but, I guess we'll see.
my opinion on the whole situation is this, he is your dad and you should love him, but if you have tried to teach him something, do not try again, I disowned mother, and after a while she came back begging for my forgiveness, she changed, but not for long, I give it maybe 6 months to a year of being changed, so I disowned her again, again the same thing happened, but it lasted a little longer, but now she still hasn't learned
I am not saying to disown him but tell him that you are donw with his bullshit and if he wants to be a part of your life then to get his life straight because you do not need the drama... it will not be easy being as he is your dad, but I think it will work out for the best...
Brandi
Hi,
This opinion comes from someone who used to drink everyday for a good 10 years. Thankfully I've been sober now for 3, nearly 4 years. I like the rest of you get angry as well over those who get seemingly second, third, and more chances when it comes to the driving and abuse of that system. I think it should be a one strike and your out thing. especially from a blind stand point. We walk on those roads and cross those intersections so we have as much to fear as people who drive on them.
Shark: as for your dad, It's one thing to stand by him and support him when he is on the road to recovery. It's another to become an enabler, allways forgiving his behaviors and excusing it. I am not suggesting your doing the latter just hopefully giving you another way of looking at it.
As someone else said, drunks and addicts are very manipulative we drag down those who will give us the chance.
Shawn
Agreed with sean. I have a similar situation with my father, but he also has some other stuff involved. The thing is, in the end it depends on just how much you love him and want to deal with his bullshit. How much he really means to you, and how much he represents in your life.
good point sean about us crossing those streets too. If my child ever got hurt because of the negligence of a drunk driver, they probably wouldn't live to see the court because I'd make sure they got vigilanty justice in some form or another. Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot.
I'll say this, I've lost several family members because they never learned, and it killed them all!!!!
Most people must hit a bottom before they'll stop!!!!!
For some, there bottom is death!!!!,an that is a cold, hard fact of life!!!!
Yes Teardrop. To true, I had a friend pass on a few weeks ago cause he just couldn't stay away from it.
One thing I might add to my post above is, no matter how much you care and try to help someone it's not going to do a hill of beans worth of good if they don't want it! You can't force people to change there lives, There not going to do it for you! They have to reach a point where they know that they can not go on like this, For some it's death others, Prison.
anyway, back to my regular smart ass personality.
To expand on what Shawn said, a person has to want to change for him or herself. They can't do it for you, even if they try. And Cam, no matter what happens, don't feel guilty. That is sometimes part of the manipulation. The alcoholic wants others to feel guilty if they fail.
I realize that he would never change for me. I wouldn't want that anyway. I want him to change for himself. The thing is that I don't think he will, because he's driven most of his friends and family away through his utter stupidity. Pretty much all he's got left is me. I still don't know what I'll do yet, but those who have posted here so far have made some really good points.
Again, thanks to all.
I've been in a similar situation with my stepdad, but he finally changed, and now, ihas been sober for 3 months. I know it isn't that much, but his first DUI was 3 months ago. Cam, the best advice I can give you, even though it may not help, trust your heart and your instincts. They'll lead you the right way. Don't listen to your head. It will defy you, but follow your heart.